Figuring it out

Going through my first post today makes me smile.. reminds me of how terribly young I was... and sounding super human.
This blog has been around for close to a decade and it has achieved nothing.
Neither have I.
But its okay..

From talking aloud about social issues and awareness and activism, if I have changed my gaze inwards and have come down to taking one day at a time and living it... that was a lesson worth learning over a decade.
And even if I have not learned anything or changed a bit, then too.. its okay.

If I have rolled up my sleeves every day to fight a battle that was already lost..
If I have banged on doors that have been shut on me, or shouted my head out at a deaf person and still not learnt how pointless it is..
If I have learned to trust and give and live.. and sometimes to doubt and lose faith
If I have stumbled and hurt myself and crawled half the way and still remember the walk ways for the beautiful shade..
If I havent yet found answers to the big questions of life.. who am i? why am i here? what am i doing? what can i do? How can i build a purpose in life? "Whither do we go?" infact..
Or if I never took the time to ask those questions..
Its still okay..

I am still figuring it out.. and there is still time.
Whither do we go......
Maybe there are no answers.. Maybe there never will be..

Today this space goes mute..
But here is hoping that the blogger goes away for a jolly good break, comes back to a different space and  finds something new to say...!
In the meanwhile, everything's okay...

Once there was a song

Once there was a song
A cheerful song
With a rustle of silk skirts in the breeze
With a steady clumpety-clump of heavy soiled feet
On the paddy fields.

Once there was a song
That rose like the happy curve
Of a plump maiden's cheeks
A rare flat note like rancid butter
But up it would come again
A light breezy note of sunshine

Once there was a song
I am sure..I heard it afterall!
It just came to me on an evening
As I quietly sat by reading..
And I tapped to it and sang aloud
And a moment's magic it had wound

Once there was a song
It was here just now..
For a snatch..and then gone..
Funny a chill that I never knew
Now grows into me..,up my bone
A merry song that left me cold..
A merry song that left me cold..

The legacy

Armed with one of those intense kohl eyeliners , out she took her pocket mirror and squinted at it to find her mother staring out from the mirror at her, claiming her silence. Bereft of a moment that would never add to her memories or her wisdom, she studied the face vacantly... vaguely acknowledging that same life that she had scoffed at a million times.

Table-Tennis Players Anonymous

My work place too has a few people engagement activities and one of it happens to be a sports war spread across an year.

The 300+ people in the team have been grouped into 7 groups and................... I am one of the captains!!!!

How did that happen?

Frankly, I dont know!

When I got to know of this, over the initial shocked phase, I had spent a few hours wondering how in the world could anyone at all get the idea that I had something to with sport. I remember uttering words to a similar effect, when someone near me grinned and said he was one of the culprits who had suggested my name. The reason being that I am a people-person and I could easily pick the stronger women players. As for the men, they already knew who were good. Ok.. a part of it made sense. But did they have to make me a CAPTAIN for this? They could have just asked me.. for heavensake!!!

And the funniest thing was, at the time of the team selection I was forced to be on leave and so I came back and found we had missed some of the women players I knew were good.

Anyways, the sports event started.. and one after the other, different matches and games rolled out...chess, carroms, Table Tennis....

Wait a minute, no women in the team were ready to play TT.. younger, slimmer, smarter girls.. none of them!!! I tried to boost them into participating and said there was no pressure for them to win.. naaah! Didnt work. None of them budged! 

This meant it would be a no-show for our team.. and ofcourse the captain couldnt let that happen.

So she picked up the TT bat for the first time in her life, 5 days before the 1st game.

Armed with only enthusiasm and a thick-skin, I began playing with a new work-teammate who had been playing TT since she was a kid ( sigh..! I had her in mind when thinking of forming our team, but we missed her). 

The game was uproarious.. I didnt know where the ball was headed, I had no aim.. I didnt even know how to hold the bat! I was holding the bat like the way you would hold a bat to swat a fly :D 

And my whole bay people purposely filed out into the TT-playing space and began to cheer and attract a bigger crowd and do everything that was possible to embarrass me.. loud cheers, commentary, claps. And they succeeded big time! But I held firm and played on... and though I lost every one of the matches, I began to love the game.

On the day of the match, I was butchered :D There is no other way to put it! 

But, every time I defended myself or by fluke won a point, there was a thundering applause.. and well, the support made me feel a little better ;)

Ahem.. next we have the Badminton series coming up...

We need 2 players.. and we are 1 player short.

So the short and stout captain comes to the... errr.. rescue.. is it??

(Psst.. she has now converted into a TT-addict and Badminton-enthusiast-soon-to-be-addict, with symptoms like the withdrawal syndrome. Probably may have join the TT/Badminton players-anonymous soon.)

The wayfarer's glimpse

A crowded bus on a warm sunny noon..
Well, not exactly crowded.. there was 1 vacant seat.

We stopped at the PMG bus stop and an old middle-class couple in their late 60's or early 70's boarded the bus.
The old lady paused next to the vacant seat that was shared by an elderly man, and then she moved ahead leaving it for her husband.
The husband hovered next to the seat, and till he made certain that she had got a seat, he did not sit either.
There was a momentary eye contact, assuring each other that they were comfortable, and then they turned their attention elsewhere, settling into the journey.

A very routine thing, but still it stuck to my mind as being the sweetest thing I had seen in a while :)

Thank God for the women!

No.. I am not a feminist.
But, women delight me.
(Ofcourse, when they are genuinely themselves and are not trying to prove a point!!!)

I love the women.
Calm but quick-witted,
Graceful and at times laugh-out-loud clumsy,
Warm-hearted and generous, wearing their hearts on their sleeves;
Yet inaccessible to some people outside their comfort zones.
Poised but totally unpredictable as to what flits in and out through their busy heads...
except for the dead-give-away of a sparkle in the eye.
Strong, independent and heart-breakingly vulnerable
Very sure of themselves but occasionally a little mixed up.
Eternal loyalties and unjustifiable prejudices,
Deeply spiritual but very much into life.
Wise beyond their years, and silly past comprehension.
Annoying but amusing..

The men are great, but the women.... aaah!! :D
Thank God for the women in my life, the conversations, the laughter.. the sanity and the insanity they bring into my life.
Women, you bring life to life! Kudos to you..... and me! ;) ;) ;)

Evolving Spiritually

Religion should never be about compartmentalizing spirituality, following established rituals mechanically and fitting into a community.
Faith is not communal. It should never be.

Spirituality is something that would connect you to your innate self, the human element in you... connect to that element in other people.., know that we are all built along similar lines and by the same power. Its a journey in search of the truth of who you are.., where you come from, why are you here and for what, what gives you innate peace, what is essential to soothe you.. who is that God before Whom we bow, what is He like, why hasnt He intervened when so many people suffer so much?

Growing faith is about surrendering anger and gracefully submitting before God especially in times of trouble... without protest, trusting Him with the firm resolve of being patient through whatever storm is to come. Its about embracing life completely - the good and the bad moments.. in heart-felt gratitude and submission and insurmountable hope.

And maybe a splash of laughter does help! :D

Purged

Pathu watched Kugnan graze...
Tenderly she stroked Kugnan's bony forehead and gave it yet another hug, as if she could never hold onto him enough... and Kugnan nudged her away..
"Hey.. let me get on with the food" he seemed to say.

She knew there wouldnt be time to play today.
And whatever time was there, she wanted him to spend it happily frisking about and grazing in peace.

After a while, mother came to call her away..and she followed her without another glance at him.
Why did she keep doing this?
These lambs were always brought to be ultimately sold or butchered... and yet, she would forget foolishly and channel all her time and thought to play with them, feed them, protect them, nurture them, love them fiercely as only a child can, get used to them.  This was violence on her little heart, havoc in her mind... Was it to atone for the betrayal? For she sensed their trust and its powerful claim on her, even when she couldnt name it.

She was walking over to Maymoona's home... because it was farthest away from hers.
To escape the empty spot by the paala tree in her backyard.
She felt she could walk till the end of time.

Tears welled up in her eyes and she swallowed the hard lump down her throat.
Kugnan's tiny hoof prints were being singed into her alive red blood heart, already mauled by
countless small and big cuts and scars, foot prints and a smatter of tiny almost invisible hoof prints.

Alive, I am set aflame.... 
And purged, am I.

Caught in a man's world

A friend had recently traveled all the way to Dehradun to do a course on organic farming for a month. While there, she took to exploring the farm grounds and the bordering thickets with a roommate. It was a delightful 2 hour long walk through the beautiful shaded and dense woods.. and then they stumbled across some local men. Noting the women were not from those parts, the men asked them if they were from the farm and very readily offered to escort them with an easier and alternative direction back to the farm. My friend firmly declined their help and turned back and walked a few steps and then they ran. The beauty and isolation of the woods was suddenly terrifying. They completed the 2 hour one-way walk in a 45 minutes sprint.
"No matter how much we resist it and hate its being so, the fact is this is a man's world", she told me later.

Tell me about it! :)

Being a Trivandrum-ite one evening I had taken out my sister-in-law and 2.5 year old nephew to the Shangumugham beach which is just about 10 km from where I live. We were on the lawn and I was happily watching my nephew sprout wings and fly. We let him run around happily, feeling euphoric and free till we came across a group of men watching us with alert interest...2 women on their own with an infant. The time was around 5:00 pm.., it was a crowded place... and our car was parked in our sight and yet we felt persecuted and threatened. We slowly began to pull away to the other side of the ground and by 5:45, we left.

Someone asked me recently whether I travel alone, exploring places. I would love to.. but I dont have a choice... not here.. as a woman. Should I be cribbing about the men who have it all easy? In spirit, we are all the same.. There are times when we as women too feel smothered by monotony or tough times or we just want a break and we would like a pleasant diversion... maybe a small trip.. maybe a long drive.. maybe just going to a nice quiet spot and resting under a shade, curled up on the earth.. something. But, our plans always depend on the family. Going out alone is never an option. Frankly, we all live under the persecution complex... and reading the papers, we are happy to be dominated by this all-pervading fear.

Youtube videos that show women being harassed in public places with nobody lifting a finger to help... and should I travel alone in this country? No.. thank you!

Carrying all that baggage.. and moving on..

Was my last day at my apartment in kakkanad. My roommates were already gone.., and i had my stuff to pack and set off early next morning with a train to catch at 9:40 am.
Though I had stayed at apartments in different places and shifted numerous times, this time I was the one who was left behind. In all other places, I had my roommates to help me with the packing.., and to give me farewells and share a hug.. I was kept busy with talking and planning and action.. Now, I had an entire night to myself with a yawning hall.. void of the TV, shoe rack and all the familiar furniture.

I had time to do the packing and a lot of time to think. Our walls are painted with the pale shade of apple green, but it was the first time I noticed the brighter fern green trimmed wall edges after having lived in it for almost 2 yrs. I had always ranted about the apartment..,starting from the low-quality electric wiring done bcoz of which we had numerous short circuit instances.. Once it ruined a handy electric lamp given to be by my thoughtful aunt who knew my late-night reading habits. Then there was the rat problem.., from the fear of which I always kept my room door closed. There were so many many things about the apartment that I cribbed about.

But here I was feeling heavy-hearted.. running my hand over the bare walls of my room. I realized I had been happy in that apartment.. it was my home away from home. All along when I consciously ranted about its problems, subconsciously I was enjoying my moments there.. And now I was leaving.., undecided as to where I would be shifting to when I get back to ernakulam after a 1-week home visit.

And there lay my table with an assortment of my worldly possessions.. a small wooden jack-in-a-box thing I got from Delhi on a family trip, a Calvin & Hobbes gifted by an old friend, a painting of Calvin & Hobbes done by an old colleague when she got to know how much I enjoyed the comic strip.. This painting was stuck on my wall to cheer me up when I wake up in the morning.. and which now lay as a roll of paper after i detached it from the wall...Then a cheap plastic pink ball at the end of a string that lights up when u fling it around.., which I had got from the beach.. A lavender Tupperware tall glass which had some urukku velichenna prepared for me by my mom.. I had already shifted most of my stuff in periodical home visits done earlier.. Now with the remaining stuff, I had a tough time sorting out what things to leave behind and what to carry with me.. And as I sifted through it all.., I realized there was not a thing I could lay aside. Everything meant something.., every object had memories attached..

I dint get to sleep that night.. packing away.. resting.. thinking.. and packing away.. The next day I rolled out on an autorickshaw.. Every memory was taken care of, safe in my baggage.. weighing me down but safe and cherished.

...all those crazy whims..

Walking up the CSEZ campus road to my office, i pass a favorite walkway shadowed by comforting greens. The wind tugs at my umbrella ever so gently.. and it feels as though my wings are struggling to unfold itself and that I am about to fly. Humming the "Time in a bottle"song.. I get this funny idea that if I could just be invisible and whirl around on my feet.. it would complete that magical moment..

And it set me thinking on all those whimsical funny dreams I have nurtured over the years...

Like going to my first day of college, riding a horse boldly..., parking it proudly next to the lifeless lines of cars and scooters.. I would climb down the roof of white ambassador car parked conveniently next to my horse.. and with my head held high.. I would alight.... an instant hero :D That was me at 18.

While living in Chennai Adayar... in the Kasturibhai Nagar Road.. right opposite to the Gandhi Nagar rode where you had the Odyssey gift shop, Naidu hall, Kumarakom restaurant, Food world... Both these roads were situated on the sides of service roads parallel to the very busy main roads. We crossed the road countless times.., for an occasional dinner or lunch at the Kumarakom restaurant.., for an occasional kajal-sunscreen shopping at the Nadu Hall, or for the all-so-frequent grocery shopping.. Many a times.., when the signal for the pedestrians waiting at the zebra crossing goes green.., and a lot many impatient bright headlights on both sides of the road wait.., I have had the insane wish to royally do a dappaankoothu right there... or maybe stretch a bit, yawn and with all the airs of a queen.., luxuriously stride across the zebra crossing. That was me at 23.

Ofcourse its not all crazy whims..., there are so many things I want to do earnestly... before I die. From horse riding.. to wanting to climb a tree.. Places I want to visit.., gorgeous plans I want to live out with my family... And yet my crazy whims are also a part of it somehow... I mean.., none of it has really died down.. It lingers in my mind.. with a bit of wistfulness.


There is no way I would have rode a horse to the college campus.. or I would never muster enough insanity to fool around on a zebra crossing. But well, I am determined to do a whirl in the CSEZ campus.... maybe at 1 revolution per 3 minutes speed.... doesnt matter. The great thing is to try and have a "yippeee.. I did it" feel :D

Fears Hopes, Rambles and Crackles.. :)

Dry leaves crackled beneath my thoughtless feet. The crackle rippled through the stillness, echoing a surprised protest of having been stirred out of the blue and of having been stepped upon, without so much as a "by-your-leave".

Out in the dawn. The dawn I want my father's troubled eyes to see... always.
After every sunset, there is still this beautiful sunrise... this fresh morning air.., the crisp newspaper with stale sensational and distorted news.., the cup of warm tea for those who love it.., the simple sounds and bustle of every day life.
Ramble about, absorb the sights and sounds that you love, let the sights soak in..., and heal..

I still trample on these dry leaves on the unswept garden grounds.., hoping you would come along and join me...
God forbid, but should your eyes ever blur, we shall be the eyes that narrate to you the shade of the sky.., the crisp uniforms of kids going to their new year of school.., bunches and bunches of mangoes big and small, heavily bearing down from the tree..

And if none of us remains, there is still this crackling of the dried leaves.

Something Memorable

A rain-soaked paddy field reflecting the blue-grey shades of d dusk...a flock of storks slowly alighting from the fields, and gracefully ascending towards the horizon directly into a swarm of crows flying homeward, almost disrupting it..but still it danced about in black and white swirls merging here, seperating there..forming a living pattern of flight, wings..all set against a silver-lined cloud-laded dusky sky...A sight I was lucky enough to see n enjoy on my train trip towards home :) The sort of sight that makes a poet out of a man.I couldnt help but salute the artist sublime... the God of small,big and all things :)

Use your judgment

Probably the best advice you will hear in life is this - "Use your judgment".
You have the ability to rationalize.. use it well.

And have confidence in your own self.
Confidence that your judgment too carries solid sense... after you have given enough thought to it.
Confidence that your judgment too is reliable and worth something.

This is something I read recently and it made sense to me -
When in doubt, toss a coin. Not bcoz the tossing coin has any special effect.
But while the coin flips, you desperately hope for one option and thats your solution.

The answer already lies within us.
All you have to do is - use your judgment. :)

To light that bulb

Thanks to the weird electrical wiring in my apartment, there was a short circuit twice. And I've had to replace my light bulbs once in about every two months.

I've always wanted to be taller.. but I've never regretted my height as heartily as when I stand on my toes on the bed, stretching up and beyond my reach.. till my shoulders n neck begins to cramp.

Many a time, I laugh and tell God "couldnt You have made me just 2 inches taller"

Sometimes, after a day's work, when I try changing a bulb.. I loose my head and want to bang my fist on the wall..

I can never take a book out of the upper rack in a library without taking someone's help.., never hang on gracefully in a bus holding onto the ceiling-hugging hand-bar.., never look that elegant in a simple patiala, never tower down upon someone and look intimidating, never look down my nose upon someone i want to show contempt for :D

I never could do so many things, that so many many do, without the least effort.

U think I am kidding? There are times when I could howl over it :D

A simple bulb replace process that should have taken about 2 minutes for someone else, took me about 20 minutes.. when i tried, tried, tried and kept failing..

And why do people use rotten light shades anways and keep the bulbs close to the ceiling..

The world has no thought for us, the shorter inhabitants

Stretch-stretch-put the bulb in the holder- turn clockwise clockwise- try to pull off bulb- bulb doesnt come off, but leans in the holder at a 25-degree angle. Switch on the bulb. Doesnt light yet!!! Damn the bulb!

Again.. the whole process repeat... and somewhere, in the 15th-20th trial, lo and behold, the bulb lights n shows me the bright side of the world aka my room.

Suddenly, I feel 10 feet tall. Pity the 6 footers... they will never know that pride u feel when u light that bulb :D

Make it short!

Short sentences are powerful.
It has the power to be curt n harsh.. when sprung upon you all of a sudden it could knock the wind out of you.
It could devastate you - break you down bit by bit...
It could heal you - and grow you a halo of warmth.

I believe in short sentences.After all,its the era of the tweets.

The Way I like it..

I like my coffee warm... My orange drink chilled..
The smoothness of silk and the coarseness of white sand grains..
The green of trees and the blue of the oceans..
The ethereal clouds and the solidity of the earth..

Things r made deliberately different.
This way, you learn to value each attribute in its own place..
And they gradually become images entwined with self and a sense of normalcy..into the core of our mind...
And you wouldnt like them any other way..

I like laughter and value tears..
Incessant chatter and those moments of pure truthful silence..
Self discovery and yet like the feeling of being lost in the mass of humanity, the way a drop disappears into an ocean..
I like sensible insanity..

Contradictions, variety, opposing tastes... these are the elements which balances our natures.
Harmonizes us.. and lend an unpredictable zing to us.
Its like the splash of color that breaks monotony of a monochrome picture..
And you really wouldnt like them any other way.. :)

Simple Joys

Happiness.. not deep, tranquil, "cup-filled-to-the-brim" happiness..
That sort of happiness is driven by some strongly personal meaningful cause..
Like for eg., my brother's marriage.. when I saw him happy..
Or.. the day I got a job... My first salary... Independence!!
And a lot many more beautiful happy moments to cherish..

But that wasnt what I meant by "simple joys"..
Its those small little little happenings that somehow surprisingly adds up to brighten your day.. and give you a special feeling.

Most days I walk to my office from my apartment.
When I walk into my office campus which houses lots of other companies and buildings and industries.. the security personnel at the gate smiles at me and says a friendly comment.. like being more careful about way I cross the road.
Then I walk on.. and I see the lift operator passing by in a bicycle.. He smiles at me and tells me "be careful when u get on the lift.. if it gets stuck, I am not around to get u out of it.." and chuckles and says he was kidding..
A few more steps, and I find the cab driver, driving past me, honking a horn and giving a friendly salutation..

By the time I reached office, I was feeling great inside..

I go into the office.. and the office-chechis show comical surprise "Sooooryaaa ethiyooo" and smile.. and I say something back and laugh..
At lunch,I sit with my witty lady colleagues and we barrage each other with "goals" and more "goals".. enjoying myself immensely..
And then finally in the evening, a colleague I used to sit near to in my earlier office building comes visiting.. She is someone I've always liked.. a lively, funny girl.. She is going home.. its her last day in office... She had come to bid farewell to everyone.. She came near me.. My manager was sitting on my desk, exploring something in my PC.. I extended my hand and beckoned her and she eyed the manager side-ways and said "ivideyo.. purathottu vaa"..
So I took leave for few mins and went out of the office door..
She was in a hurry.. and hurriedly told me a few things.. her future plans of higher studies.. when classes will start.. and so on. And hurriedly gave me a warm hug and left..

I was surprised.. and it left me happy.. :)

These little little moments r like gems scattered from Heaven to me..
Life is funny.., I know people change.. relationships change..
Good friends turn against one another...
Even family bonds could deteriorate during difficult phases.
There is nothing solid or unchangeable about anything.. people, circumstances, perceptions..
But the simple joys of routine life.. whenever they happen, embrace it with all your heart and be happy..
It is the simple joys that mostly see you through life...

Never under-estimate the power of a simple nod of acknowledgment.. a friendly salutation.. a smile. What it eventually tells someone is.. "Hi.. I know this is you.. and I am glad to see you around".. and probably that could be the happiest thing that person has come across, that whole day...

No wonder Islam says that a smile is a charity.. a kind word is a charity.. Its a good deed.. It makes u happy.. and eventually it could make someone's day.. like the way mine was made today :)

Thank you God!

At the edge of an abyss

I've wandered about
And through time
With something amiss..

I've skulked around shadows
Hoping to find a shade..
Weaving a mirage..

I've edged through these mists
Lost and blinded..
Tripping and bruising..

I've walked these forlorn paths
In the dying light of a dying day
My heart ablaze..

I've wandered about
And through time
With something amiss..
Now have I reached the edge of an abyss

In this desolate darkness
I quietly wait for God's Dawn
To steal upon me and light my way

My Brother's Wedding

Just got back from my brother's wedding. Tired.. exhausted...after a long day.. stupidly and nonsensically chosen clothes that it was suicidal to wear in this killing heat... and running about.. managing short-tempers, flare-ups.. and facing several discomforts that happen when an organized event doesnt happen the way u chart it out to be (or when whatever planning was done turns out to be inadequate finally)..
I am dead tired! And I've a splitting headache!

But, b4 going to sleep,I want to capture this day in words.. something I can revert back to, in the near future..

1.My brother walking up the "aisle" - the passage from the entrance to the stage with a bouquet of flowers in his hand.. Looking handsome and happy..

2. The moment of prayer when we all prayed as a mass for happiness and blessings to befall him.. and i shut my eyes.. with an overwhelmed feeling in my heart.. of earnest prayer.

3. Seeing him stand on the stage and remembering old times when we were kids.. fighting with pillow, water, pen, pencil whatever u can think of..and knowing in my heart, the strength of the bond.

4. Hugging my new sister,and blurting out the words "Take care of my brother and guide him well"..all of a sudden.

5. Leaving him at the bride's house and waving away.. as we wheeled out of the house...

And now, hours later, I still see him walking up the aisle.. with a happy smile on his face.. And my prayers that his happiness remains eternal.Amen.