Carrying all that baggage.. and moving on..

Was my last day at my apartment in kakkanad. My roommates were already gone.., and i had my stuff to pack and set off early next morning with a train to catch at 9:40 am.
Though I had stayed at apartments in different places and shifted numerous times, this time I was the one who was left behind. In all other places, I had my roommates to help me with the packing.., and to give me farewells and share a hug.. I was kept busy with talking and planning and action.. Now, I had an entire night to myself with a yawning hall.. void of the TV, shoe rack and all the familiar furniture.

I had time to do the packing and a lot of time to think. Our walls are painted with the pale shade of apple green, but it was the first time I noticed the brighter fern green trimmed wall edges after having lived in it for almost 2 yrs. I had always ranted about the apartment..,starting from the low-quality electric wiring done bcoz of which we had numerous short circuit instances.. Once it ruined a handy electric lamp given to be by my thoughtful aunt who knew my late-night reading habits. Then there was the rat problem.., from the fear of which I always kept my room door closed. There were so many many things about the apartment that I cribbed about.

But here I was feeling heavy-hearted.. running my hand over the bare walls of my room. I realized I had been happy in that apartment.. it was my home away from home. All along when I consciously ranted about its problems, subconsciously I was enjoying my moments there.. And now I was leaving.., undecided as to where I would be shifting to when I get back to ernakulam after a 1-week home visit.

And there lay my table with an assortment of my worldly possessions.. a small wooden jack-in-a-box thing I got from Delhi on a family trip, a Calvin & Hobbes gifted by an old friend, a painting of Calvin & Hobbes done by an old colleague when she got to know how much I enjoyed the comic strip.. This painting was stuck on my wall to cheer me up when I wake up in the morning.. and which now lay as a roll of paper after i detached it from the wall...Then a cheap plastic pink ball at the end of a string that lights up when u fling it around.., which I had got from the beach.. A lavender Tupperware tall glass which had some urukku velichenna prepared for me by my mom.. I had already shifted most of my stuff in periodical home visits done earlier.. Now with the remaining stuff, I had a tough time sorting out what things to leave behind and what to carry with me.. And as I sifted through it all.., I realized there was not a thing I could lay aside. Everything meant something.., every object had memories attached..

I dint get to sleep that night.. packing away.. resting.. thinking.. and packing away.. The next day I rolled out on an autorickshaw.. Every memory was taken care of, safe in my baggage.. weighing me down but safe and cherished.

...all those crazy whims..

Walking up the CSEZ campus road to my office, i pass a favorite walkway shadowed by comforting greens. The wind tugs at my umbrella ever so gently.. and it feels as though my wings are struggling to unfold itself and that I am about to fly. Humming the "Time in a bottle"song.. I get this funny idea that if I could just be invisible and whirl around on my feet.. it would complete that magical moment..

And it set me thinking on all those whimsical funny dreams I have nurtured over the years...

Like going to my first day of college, riding a horse boldly..., parking it proudly next to the lifeless lines of cars and scooters.. I would climb down the roof of white ambassador car parked conveniently next to my horse.. and with my head held high.. I would alight.... an instant hero :D That was me at 18.

While living in Chennai Adayar... in the Kasturibhai Nagar Road.. right opposite to the Gandhi Nagar rode where you had the Odyssey gift shop, Naidu hall, Kumarakom restaurant, Food world... Both these roads were situated on the sides of service roads parallel to the very busy main roads. We crossed the road countless times.., for an occasional dinner or lunch at the Kumarakom restaurant.., for an occasional kajal-sunscreen shopping at the Nadu Hall, or for the all-so-frequent grocery shopping.. Many a times.., when the signal for the pedestrians waiting at the zebra crossing goes green.., and a lot many impatient bright headlights on both sides of the road wait.., I have had the insane wish to royally do a dappaankoothu right there... or maybe stretch a bit, yawn and with all the airs of a queen.., luxuriously stride across the zebra crossing. That was me at 23.

Ofcourse its not all crazy whims..., there are so many things I want to do earnestly... before I die. From horse riding.. to wanting to climb a tree.. Places I want to visit.., gorgeous plans I want to live out with my family... And yet my crazy whims are also a part of it somehow... I mean.., none of it has really died down.. It lingers in my mind.. with a bit of wistfulness.


There is no way I would have rode a horse to the college campus.. or I would never muster enough insanity to fool around on a zebra crossing. But well, I am determined to do a whirl in the CSEZ campus.... maybe at 1 revolution per 3 minutes speed.... doesnt matter. The great thing is to try and have a "yippeee.. I did it" feel :D

Fears Hopes, Rambles and Crackles.. :)

Dry leaves crackled beneath my thoughtless feet. The crackle rippled through the stillness, echoing a surprised protest of having been stirred out of the blue and of having been stepped upon, without so much as a "by-your-leave".

Out in the dawn. The dawn I want my father's troubled eyes to see... always.
After every sunset, there is still this beautiful sunrise... this fresh morning air.., the crisp newspaper with stale sensational and distorted news.., the cup of warm tea for those who love it.., the simple sounds and bustle of every day life.
Ramble about, absorb the sights and sounds that you love, let the sights soak in..., and heal..

I still trample on these dry leaves on the unswept garden grounds.., hoping you would come along and join me...
God forbid, but should your eyes ever blur, we shall be the eyes that narrate to you the shade of the sky.., the crisp uniforms of kids going to their new year of school.., bunches and bunches of mangoes big and small, heavily bearing down from the tree..

And if none of us remains, there is still this crackling of the dried leaves.

Something Memorable

A rain-soaked paddy field reflecting the blue-grey shades of d dusk...a flock of storks slowly alighting from the fields, and gracefully ascending towards the horizon directly into a swarm of crows flying homeward, almost disrupting it..but still it danced about in black and white swirls merging here, seperating there..forming a living pattern of flight, wings..all set against a silver-lined cloud-laded dusky sky...A sight I was lucky enough to see n enjoy on my train trip towards home :) The sort of sight that makes a poet out of a man.I couldnt help but salute the artist sublime... the God of small,big and all things :)

Use your judgment

Probably the best advice you will hear in life is this - "Use your judgment".
You have the ability to rationalize.. use it well.

And have confidence in your own self.
Confidence that your judgment too carries solid sense... after you have given enough thought to it.
Confidence that your judgment too is reliable and worth something.

This is something I read recently and it made sense to me -
When in doubt, toss a coin. Not bcoz the tossing coin has any special effect.
But while the coin flips, you desperately hope for one option and thats your solution.

The answer already lies within us.
All you have to do is - use your judgment. :)

To light that bulb

Thanks to the weird electrical wiring in my apartment, there was a short circuit twice. And I've had to replace my light bulbs once in about every two months.

I've always wanted to be taller.. but I've never regretted my height as heartily as when I stand on my toes on the bed, stretching up and beyond my reach.. till my shoulders n neck begins to cramp.

Many a time, I laugh and tell God "couldnt You have made me just 2 inches taller"

Sometimes, after a day's work, when I try changing a bulb.. I loose my head and want to bang my fist on the wall..

I can never take a book out of the upper rack in a library without taking someone's help.., never hang on gracefully in a bus holding onto the ceiling-hugging hand-bar.., never look that elegant in a simple patiala, never tower down upon someone and look intimidating, never look down my nose upon someone i want to show contempt for :D

I never could do so many things, that so many many do, without the least effort.

U think I am kidding? There are times when I could howl over it :D

A simple bulb replace process that should have taken about 2 minutes for someone else, took me about 20 minutes.. when i tried, tried, tried and kept failing..

And why do people use rotten light shades anways and keep the bulbs close to the ceiling..

The world has no thought for us, the shorter inhabitants

Stretch-stretch-put the bulb in the holder- turn clockwise clockwise- try to pull off bulb- bulb doesnt come off, but leans in the holder at a 25-degree angle. Switch on the bulb. Doesnt light yet!!! Damn the bulb!

Again.. the whole process repeat... and somewhere, in the 15th-20th trial, lo and behold, the bulb lights n shows me the bright side of the world aka my room.

Suddenly, I feel 10 feet tall. Pity the 6 footers... they will never know that pride u feel when u light that bulb :D

Make it short!

Short sentences are powerful.
It has the power to be curt n harsh.. when sprung upon you all of a sudden it could knock the wind out of you.
It could devastate you - break you down bit by bit...
It could heal you - and grow you a halo of warmth.

I believe in short sentences.After all,its the era of the tweets.

The Way I like it..

I like my coffee warm... My orange drink chilled..
The smoothness of silk and the coarseness of white sand grains..
The green of trees and the blue of the oceans..
The ethereal clouds and the solidity of the earth..

Things r made deliberately different.
This way, you learn to value each attribute in its own place..
And they gradually become images entwined with self and a sense of normalcy..into the core of our mind...
And you wouldnt like them any other way..

I like laughter and value tears..
Incessant chatter and those moments of pure truthful silence..
Self discovery and yet like the feeling of being lost in the mass of humanity, the way a drop disappears into an ocean..
I like sensible insanity..

Contradictions, variety, opposing tastes... these are the elements which balances our natures.
Harmonizes us.. and lend an unpredictable zing to us.
Its like the splash of color that breaks monotony of a monochrome picture..
And you really wouldnt like them any other way.. :)

Simple Joys

Happiness.. not deep, tranquil, "cup-filled-to-the-brim" happiness..
That sort of happiness is driven by some strongly personal meaningful cause..
Like for eg., my brother's marriage.. when I saw him happy..
Or.. the day I got a job... My first salary... Independence!!
And a lot many more beautiful happy moments to cherish..

But that wasnt what I meant by "simple joys"..
Its those small little little happenings that somehow surprisingly adds up to brighten your day.. and give you a special feeling.

Most days I walk to my office from my apartment.
When I walk into my office campus which houses lots of other companies and buildings and industries.. the security personnel at the gate smiles at me and says a friendly comment.. like being more careful about way I cross the road.
Then I walk on.. and I see the lift operator passing by in a bicycle.. He smiles at me and tells me "be careful when u get on the lift.. if it gets stuck, I am not around to get u out of it.." and chuckles and says he was kidding..
A few more steps, and I find the cab driver, driving past me, honking a horn and giving a friendly salutation..

By the time I reached office, I was feeling great inside..

I go into the office.. and the office-chechis show comical surprise "Sooooryaaa ethiyooo" and smile.. and I say something back and laugh..
At lunch,I sit with my witty lady colleagues and we barrage each other with "goals" and more "goals".. enjoying myself immensely..
And then finally in the evening, a colleague I used to sit near to in my earlier office building comes visiting.. She is someone I've always liked.. a lively, funny girl.. She is going home.. its her last day in office... She had come to bid farewell to everyone.. She came near me.. My manager was sitting on my desk, exploring something in my PC.. I extended my hand and beckoned her and she eyed the manager side-ways and said "ivideyo.. purathottu vaa"..
So I took leave for few mins and went out of the office door..
She was in a hurry.. and hurriedly told me a few things.. her future plans of higher studies.. when classes will start.. and so on. And hurriedly gave me a warm hug and left..

I was surprised.. and it left me happy.. :)

These little little moments r like gems scattered from Heaven to me..
Life is funny.., I know people change.. relationships change..
Good friends turn against one another...
Even family bonds could deteriorate during difficult phases.
There is nothing solid or unchangeable about anything.. people, circumstances, perceptions..
But the simple joys of routine life.. whenever they happen, embrace it with all your heart and be happy..
It is the simple joys that mostly see you through life...

Never under-estimate the power of a simple nod of acknowledgment.. a friendly salutation.. a smile. What it eventually tells someone is.. "Hi.. I know this is you.. and I am glad to see you around".. and probably that could be the happiest thing that person has come across, that whole day...

No wonder Islam says that a smile is a charity.. a kind word is a charity.. Its a good deed.. It makes u happy.. and eventually it could make someone's day.. like the way mine was made today :)

Thank you God!

At the edge of an abyss

I've wandered about
And through time
With something amiss..

I've skulked around shadows
Hoping to find a shade..
Weaving a mirage..

I've edged through these mists
Lost and blinded..
Tripping and bruising..

I've walked these forlorn paths
In the dying light of a dying day
My heart ablaze..

I've wandered about
And through time
With something amiss..
Now have I reached the edge of an abyss

In this desolate darkness
I quietly wait for God's Dawn
To steal upon me and light my way

My Brother's Wedding

Just got back from my brother's wedding. Tired.. exhausted...after a long day.. stupidly and nonsensically chosen clothes that it was suicidal to wear in this killing heat... and running about.. managing short-tempers, flare-ups.. and facing several discomforts that happen when an organized event doesnt happen the way u chart it out to be (or when whatever planning was done turns out to be inadequate finally)..
I am dead tired! And I've a splitting headache!

But, b4 going to sleep,I want to capture this day in words.. something I can revert back to, in the near future..

1.My brother walking up the "aisle" - the passage from the entrance to the stage with a bouquet of flowers in his hand.. Looking handsome and happy..

2. The moment of prayer when we all prayed as a mass for happiness and blessings to befall him.. and i shut my eyes.. with an overwhelmed feeling in my heart.. of earnest prayer.

3. Seeing him stand on the stage and remembering old times when we were kids.. fighting with pillow, water, pen, pencil whatever u can think of..and knowing in my heart, the strength of the bond.

4. Hugging my new sister,and blurting out the words "Take care of my brother and guide him well"..all of a sudden.

5. Leaving him at the bride's house and waving away.. as we wheeled out of the house...

And now, hours later, I still see him walking up the aisle.. with a happy smile on his face.. And my prayers that his happiness remains eternal.Amen.

In the Circlet of Fire..

In the heart of the forest
In the dead of the night...
In so stark a silence
That fills the heart with fright.

Come and you a strange sight behold..
The dance of the deer in the circlet of fire..
Come one, come all...
To see the strange dance
The dance of the deer in the circlet of fire..

The squirrel comes out of the hole.
The rabbit pops from the burrow
The bear and the tiger too arrive
And watch in unison, the wondrous sight..

Near the thick of the woods,
In the clearing of dried grass
A solitary deer..

Within the Circlet of Fire..

It sways forward and backward
And goes round and round
Never once does it stop..
In a strange ritualistic dance, it moves around

With the resounding music of crackling flames..
The dance of the deer in the circlet of fire..
Come one, come all...
To see the strange dance
The dance of the deer in the circlet of fire..

With time, ebbed the patience and the wonder
So arose and left, the spectators
And the deer danced alone
As the fire closed in, singeing into its very own skin

With the resounding music of crackling flames..
The dance of the deer in the circlet of fire..
None saw nor felt the thud of its heart
As it danced for its life..
The dance of the deer in the circlet of fire..

Back home..

I have wandered back here yet again...
In the middle of the night.. all awake with nothing much to do..
After a long while, I come here to find my blogs preserved here... safe and sound..
I read some and smile at the momentary goofiness that would have prompted me to write some of them.. and well some other blogs that I must have written with a lot of conviction.. And the knowledge that, that conviction still lies within me... just as strongly. Some I read and I think "I wrote that?!!!".. I read the comments here, and feel part wonder that people have bothered to read what I write.. and gratitude for the encouragement that I have been fortunate enough to receive here.. through the kind words of friends and family.. Where would man be without some moral support or a pat the shoulder, especially during those tough when u tread through life with a heavy step and a burdened head..

What keeps driving me back here?
Maybe I am tired of routine life and come here wanting to write something that would create magic and make the world sit up and take notice and cry out "oh hail! Soorya... the magician of words"...
Or maybe I just want some time out.. writing away the thoughts that flit in and out of my mind at a surface layer.. so that I am free to pursue the thoughts that truly and really is me
Sometimes I come here bubbling with some funny tale.. sometimes with a disturbed soul.. and sometimes with a sobered quietened mind..

No matter where I go, no matter how many new pple I meet and talk my head out to, about all the little nothings.. and laugh and what-nots.. this is one place where I dont have to take the effort to please.. or to make someone comfortable.. or try and be comfortable myself.

The crux of the matter is,whatever the reason that finally drags me back right here, I feel I am home :)

A timeless moment

I had gone on a trip recently with my family.. to Kodaikkanal and Thekkadi..
After a gap of many many years, I think after high school.., I rode on a bicycle around the Kodaikkanal lake.

Initially, I had no confidence.. and no cycle balance either.. I literally zig-zagged across the road twice or thrice almost colliding against the compound walls on the sides of the road..
And then, my cousins told me to pedal fast and try cycling faster..

So, I pedalled hard.. the cycle moved forward and I knew I was moving straight.. but as soon as I realized this, my hands began to wobble.. and I stopped.

Encouraged by my good cousins, I tried once more and pedalled madly..
It was around 6 pm or so.. late in the evening.. there was a cool breeze... and the air was cool.
And a slight drizzle to top it.. a scenic view..
The whole world seemed beautiful.. and in my mind there was nothing else, but me on my bicycle..
The joy of cycling.., with the wind on my face.. and a moment that seemed to have no tomorrow..
I felt I was out of my control..., but I felt no apprehension..
Infact, I enjoyed it all the more..

There was no past.. there was no future..
There was nothing.. and no one... but the silent Kodaikkanal lake, the winds... a kind God.. and me, and my bicycle.
It was one moment.. which seemed to extend onto infinity.. a moment which I enjoyed thoroughly.

I remember shouting out at the top of my voice "I loved it.. I loved it!!!".. and I felt I were a child again with my spirits sky high.. and the cup of joy filled to the brim and overflowing.

A simple moment... a timeless moment.

Interesting Ways of Commiting Suicide

This topic hit my head while I was travelling by a Cochin private bus..
At a time, when every fellow passenger soul was praying for their life... and thinking of their loved ones... I was speculating what a different and innovative modus-operandi this could provide for those weak-hearted who intend to "end-it-all"

So here is my list of innovative ways of doing urself in.

1. Take a ride in the cochin private bus. If by any chance, they dont ram you against a rival bus or a tanker lorry.., they will scare you out of your life.

2. For those who dont live in Cochin.. my 2nd suggestion is.. visit cochin and go to sleep with the windows open.. This is the haunt of mosquitoes that make Count Dracula and his regiment of vampires.. seem jovial and well-meaning idlers

3. Go out in the heat of the day.. This is a fuel-less way of setting yourself on fire. Either you evaporate directly into spirit.. or u get burned to the form of charcoal.

I swear I had thought up of one more method on my spiritual journey yesterday in that bus.. when my soul seemed to manifest itself and seemed to run away from me... but I am suffering from chronic amnesia.. after that traumatic bus ride

I welcome suggestions and ideas.. for the same :D

***Please note - this is just a joke.. and I am fully aware that, that which God gives.. only He has the right to take away.

The Conflict

Isnt there a difference between being ethical and conventional?
Conventionality is adhering to some norms that has been around for sometime, without really understanding why you do something, and most often without even caring to bother why you are supposed to act and behave in one particular way. Its about going with the flow.., merging into a whole body called society.. and as far as I can understand, conventionality is just a medium towards acceptability and general approbation. Its just a way of not being conspicuous.
Ethics is about the person that you are or the person you want to be. Its about principles that defines the substance of ur being.. ur character.
I believe in ethics. I am a moralist and I am proud to be so. I have my religious views and my faith instills in me a strict sense of morality.. an understanding of right and wrong. From my childhood, I tried to question conventions and even posed questions about my faith to my mother.. and especially where my faith was concerned, if I had a question, somehow the questions were answered in a way that appealed to my sense, my rational, my heart. So the point is, I try not to swallow conventions.. I try not to live blindly. I think and I question.. and I keep asking till I am satisfied by the answer. If there are no answers, then I think that a particular convention is in place for no specific reason..
I desire to be a principled person.... because it is a matter of substance. I desire to be kind, honest, sincere, dedicated, dependable, and so on and so forth.. These qualities tell me what I value in a person or how I evaluate a person. It also tells me where I aim to be, as a person.
The positive side of conventionality, is that it provides you a way to gel in with the crowd.. and to avoid behaving in a way which makes u or people around you uncomfortable.
But, we shouldnt be so determined to stick on to conventional behaviour, so as to undermine the purpose of ones behaviour and give more weightage to approbation of the general society.

Lets take a hypothetical situation. A bachelor wishes to adopt a child.. say a boy. He goes ahead with all the formalities (I have no idea what the legal possibilities for this are.. its just hypothetical example) and adopts a son.. to take care of in a regular way.. From the moral point of view, there is nothing wrong with it. But from the conventional point of view, this could be a problem. There could be a zillion spiced up speculations in the neighbourhood, as to the "real story behind the scene"; scope for very imaginative gossips; a matter of discussion for all.. a general hullaboo to be enjoyed and celebrated by the whole of the neighborhood.. Before the guy realizes it, probably his character is finished. Why? Simply because he chose to think differently and act differently from the way majority of people think and act, he could end up getting crucified. (I am not advocating adoption by single parents.. I understand that especially in today's scenario, there could be a lot of misuse).

The point is.. while living in society and while sticking onto convnetionalities... its not enough to think good and act good. You have to nail it down your neighbour's throat that you are an extremely good individual.

I appreciate the "If i act in such a way, what will he or she feel? Will my actions hurt the person?" thinking. To an extent, I understand the "If I act in this way, what will they think about me?!!!".. To an extent, it is human and inevitable and also maybe even necessary.
But this thinking shouldn't become so prominent so as to make people paranoid.. and prompt them to behave simply for the convenience of other people, and to seek general approbation.

My grandmother had 4 daughters and no sons. During her times, people did not appreciate women going to shops and buying things... They appreciated women and girls who had no sound, no opinions.. who just ran the house smartly and made things comfortable for the men-folk and made no trouble at all.. My grandmother had no sons.. so she assigned tasks to her daughters including grocery shopping.. when these girls went to the grocer and bought things and came back with the change and accounted for every single anna they spent. Grandmother didnt stick to the conventions of the times.. She delegated tasks among her daughters.. encouraged them to study. She made her daughters capable and fit to be independent.. She was not a feminist... but she was just a woman who had a vision about what she wanted her children to be. She laid emphasis on their education to the point of being dictatively ambitious.., where-in she almost charted my mother's career for her.. She gave all support for their education to the point of their graduation. She brought them face to face with the real world.. My mother and aunts can tell the difference between the wood from a mango tree and the one from jackfruit tree..; they are familar with the different medical drugs and steroids and stuff used in medicines..; they have ideas about the parameters used to built house like the exact distance two beams to support the roof and so on.. All this thanks to a woman, who chose to think above conventions. Who was ready to bring her children up in the way that she thought best, and who risked disapproval of her peers..

Where an unprincipled person is concerned, he has no or very relaxed ethics. So if he sticks to conventions, he is just being superficial.. but atleast a conventional unprincipled person makes it easier for his neighbours and friends to pretend and accept him superficially... An unprincipled man can never have true friends, or is never truly trusted and relied upon..
Where a principled individual is concerned, whenever there is a conflict between his ethics and the set norms or conventions of a society, the ethics form the weighty part of the argument. And though, such a person could loose out on general approbation, he will never loose out on the trust, regard, respect of his friends or family, or whosoever who knows him in real.

Strength and Sensibility

Life has made me stronger and bolder.
Often, I used to get tensed for the smallest of things.. I still do.
There is a difference b/w being confident and claiming to be confident... which becomes apparent by the turmoil that goes on in ur mind, just a few seconds b4 ur scheduled interview..

Earlier, I used to try to calm myself by deep breathing and maybe distracting my mind and thinking of some good, positive memories..
Recently, while I was waiting in the lobby for an interview.. I became tensed.
Its been quite a while since I had been to an office, with the familiar chilled air, so much in contrast to the outside burning sun..
The white gleaming tiles that reflect the light..
The security guards with the polite smiles..
Its been quite sometime.

I began to feel the tightening claws of my old friend Tension.
Then, I took a deep breath and reminded myself that I am a survivor..
I have faced worse things in life than just an interview that went wrong.. and I have survived it all..
I knew that at the worse, if the interview that I was about to attend, went wrong.. it wont finish me.
Nothing can finish me, as long as I intend to learn from it...
Whatever negative experiences I go through, even negative interviews.. could only benefit me, if I am determined to learn from it and make sure that I dont repeat the same mistakes.

At the end, it is only stagnation of mind and spirit that can destroy an individual.

And yes, I did calm down and I did get through. All thanks to God.

Not a trace left..

Satyam Computer Services Limited.. when I joined this company years back as a fresher.. there was pride in my heart..
Hopes... wonder... Sense of security... sense of belonging
I remember the induction program.. the huge conference hall with those comfortable leather backed chairs and microphones before you..
For a person fresh out of college.., in the initial phases of "College-to-Corporate" transition, it gave a silent message of power, comfort and responsibility..
It filled me with awe..
We had a presentation on a huge screen, a presentation that talked about its fortune 500 clients, Satyam's ODCS and campus and its global offices.. the facilities.
The organizational structure.. hierarchies.
Awards and recognitions...
It was a brilliant day.. that day, dreams glittered like stars in everyone's eyes..
Such a contrast to the fear that I know must be in the hearts of everyone associated with it today, some way or the other..
Lots of my friends and colleagues are still with them, dedicated and hard working..
I really hope things work out for them.. in the end.
But still, the good will and the brand name.. seems to have sunk without a trace...
And it dint take a decade for this to happen.. but just 2 or 3 years.
Unbelievable!

Likewise..
So many things.. that I thought wud last me a lifetime
So many things, which I depended on..
So many things, which defined my world..
Some friendships, lots of moments, so many notions... so many many things sank without a trace.
Not a trace..
Sometimes life leaves u bewildered... and afraid of what's in store for you tomorrow.
Hmm.. as the saying goes, lets cross the bridge when we come to it. :-)

Tadaang.. A broken toe..!!

"Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after"

I wasnt exactly thinking on those lines yesterday, when i tripped down the stairs and fell hard.
I felt the pain of "broken bones" to quote a recent post.. and more specifically "a broken bone".
I looked at my fore-foot and found my middle toe horribly twisted from its natural direction.
And I knew then..., at last, finally, this fall was heralding the first fracture in my life, in my 26th year..!

Well, I know that my mom must have celebrated the first day I crawled on my own.. or the first day I walked..
Though I missed out on those days, there is no way I am not going to celebrate this one.

After all, I had spend years waiting for the opportunity.. :D
I remember, I had nurtured an insane wish to make a historic entry into my college on my first day, on a horseback... daring and fearless.. I remember discussing with my brother about the technicalities of parking the horse in the car park, and descending from the horse using some nearby car as a ladder. It was a glorious dream..
The next best dream I had was going to school with either crutches or a sling around the arm. Fractures always had a fascination for me. Firstly, I had no idea how much it could hurt. I had only observed people from the outside. Secondly, there is always something heroic in trying to do the normal things of life, with something so visible a challenge like a fracture. I have had friends and cousins who have had gone through this. I have envied them, the fuss that people made about them. And also, there is that special dignity to which they arrive, when they tolerate the pain with a perceivable grimace.. and carry on their chores slowly but surely. Ofcourse, if you meant to greet your fracture with a loud howl, that wouldn't be the thing at all..!

I remember once, while I was in the 7th standard, I had prepared pretty well for my math exam.. It was Onam exams I think.. And, mom was dropping me and my friends, at the autorickshaw stand in Ulloor, when she took it to her head to move the vehichle forward owing to persistent honking of some darned vehchile behind us. Hmm, she moved the car forward , irrespective of the fact that I was attempting to get out and the tyre had partially gone over my foot. I was watching it with my own eyes.. too shocked to yell out.. to shocked to feel any pain.. but that was only momentary. And then, the pain began.. I knew I would miss my exams.. and I was upset, because I had prepared so well and because maths was one of my favorite subjects. But when I went to the hospital, they laid me on a stretcher and then, the novelty of the situation won over me. They laid me on a stretcher, simply because they had no wheel chairs; and the sight of a kid in school uniform on a stretcher, always attracts attention and sympathy. By the time I reached the XRAY room, I was basking in kind smiles, and I dried my tears and looked and felt the perfect saint.. It turned out to be only an ankle sprain and no fractures! But my mom's remorseful tears, and the neighbor's visits cheered me up a lot..

Today, I called up my friend, and she greeted the situation with an equal enthusiasm.. "If you confirm its a fracture, I will visit u with tonnes of rotten oranges" she assured me.. Those words were such comfort. I went to the doctor, full of hopes.. He examined the toe and gave it such lovely wrings that I was sure that, if the bones weren't broken before, they were sure to be broken now. I limped all the way to the XRAY room, grandly putting up brave airs of endurance. And the XRAY was done, and I was waiting in the lounge... While waiting, for a split of a second, I did wonder, that after having to endure all this pain, what if I were to be denied the pleasurable verdict of a fracture?!!! I dint get much time to worry, coz I was called to see the doctor, and there he showed me the XRAY of my forefoot and showed some line on the bone and said "see that.. its broken. Thats y it hurt that much".. and then he pulled at my toe a couple of times to dress it in plaster.. and finally after that ordeal, I limped my way out of the hospital..

I am to have 3 weeks of rest.. and a new story to talk about for 3 decades in future. 3 weeks of an excuse to just lie about and be lazy... 3 weeks of making big eyes at mommy, and getting her to serve me bed coffee.. And hopefully, my friend will come tomorrow with the promised rotten oranges.
Could life get any better??

(Note - My mother said its a cruel blog. No disrespect meant for people suffering from illnesses and real health issues. And I meant no blasphemy. Its just my way of laughing at myself)

The message of Eid and Abraham(pbuh)'s story

Have I been bitten by the writing bug? 3 blogs in a week.. after passive lapses of months..
But anyways, here it is..

It is Eid-al-Adha or the festival of sacrifice today and its 9:28am in the morning.. After an unusual bath in the early morning and after taking part in the congregation at the Chandrashekhar Nair Stadium in trivandrum at 7:40 am, I am teeming with energy and good spirit. This is a bi-annual experience for most muslims. Standing together, shoulder-to-shoulder without leaving gaps between people, gathered under a misty sky, in the cool morning.. proclaiming the greatness of God in unison, and bowing down in sujood (which is an ideal form of sashtangapranaamam - bcoz only ur forehead, the tip of ur nose, the 2 palms, the knees(2), and the feet(2) touch the ground.. when u count, it adds upto 8), it gave me an indescribable feeling of brotherhood... both of faith, and of common humanity. The Imaam of the Palayam Jamaaet mosque made a speech in which he mentioned the spirit of Abraham or Ibrahim(peace be upon him or pbuh), and the message of Mohammad(pbuh).. who taught us that : "Indeed there is no excellence for an Arab over a non-Arab, nor a non-Arab over an Arab, nor a White person over a Black one, nor a Black person over a White one, except through piety". I had always known, understood and believed firmly in equality.. and I owe this to my faith. I live in a world of double-standards, where the world celebrates the coming to power of a man of African origin, in the supposedly most civilised nation of the world, in this 21st century. I had known the history of a freed black slave Bilaal, who was the first muezzin in Islam.., the first man who sounded the call for Azaan, inviting people to prayer.. - a coveted honour for which all the companions of the Prophet vied. The Prophet himself bent down, and this black man, this great companion of the Prophet, stepped on his shoulder to climb onto the top of the Kaeba mosque, to give the first Azaan to prayer in his beautiful voice. This happened more than 1400 yrs back.. in a land which was originally full of savage immorality, drunken revelry, tribal wars, oppression and full-fledged slavery ..

Even in India, as in different parts of the world, we have different castes... we have different means of seggregating and dividing people.. means to label one superior and another inferior by birth.. and not by qualities or values.One of our family friends who is also a Muslim, narrated an incident in which he had to visit some place in tamil nadu,and had to stay at the house of a former collague of his who belongs to the so-called upper-caste.. He was told politely, that he had to wash the plate and glass from which he ate and drank.. It is another thing that when this colleague paid a visit to this uncle's house, he treated him with the same hospitality that he extends to every friend and acquaintance. In India, we have caste system and regionalism.. Somewhere in our hearts, we carry this pitiable untouchability.. Every man tries to carry within himself, some reason or means of conviction of his own superiority over the others, sometimes, its caste, sometimes its regionalism... The reason why we are a highly divided community, is because we lack the basic idea of fraternity.. of unity, of being one even when diverse.. It is this polarization that the terrorists attacking India, intend to mobilize and solidify..inorder to throw the nation into chaos and anarchy. This is also why, we as a nation, are so susceptible to dirty politics of division on the lines of religion, caste, regions..South Indians, North Indians, Tamilians, Maharashtrians,UPians, Biharis, Bengalis, Keralaits.. we all try to prove that we are better than the rest so often... its almost an unconscious trait.. Every region, every language, every religion.. has its history, has its ethnicity, has its message, its flavour to add... This rich diversity is what makes India, India..

The 49th chapter of Quran says "O mankind! We have created you from single male and female and made you into nations and tribes so that you may know one another. Surely, the best of you in the sight of Allah (God) is the most righteous (God fearing) of you."
Therefore, my faith had always solidified my belief in true and not bogus fraternity and equality.Coz, we are the same God's creations, created in the same way, and the lineage of every single individual reaches back to Adam and Eve(peace be upon them).. Eid-al-Adha commences after the Hajj pilgirmage. If u have ever watched the gathering at Mecca, u will see that europeans, africans, asians people from different races, nations, continents gather together, and offer their prayers standing shoulder-to-shoulder.There is absolutely no difference whether u r rich, what race u belong to, or the color of ur skin. When they bow down in sujood before God, the face of one man would be close to the feet of the man bowing in front of him.. Its a lesson in humility also.., a lesson of loosing oneself in a mass of humanity.. This idea of fraternity, and equality is one of the several important messages of Islam as well as Eid-al-Adha.

The spirit of Eid-Al-Adha is the spirit of sacrifice. The history of a legendary heroic family.. and the history of Abraham or Ibrahim(pbuh), one of my most favorite Prophets, and also a Prophet accepted equally by the Jews, Christians and Muslims.. Ibrahim was a Prophet and he had been tested by God several times, and each time Ibrahim(pbuh) did the right thing and took the difficult decisions and obeyed God. One of the tests he had to face, was the test of sacrifice. Ibrahim had no children in his youth; he was blessed with one in his old age.. A parent would love his child dearly.. words are insufficient to describe what a child would mean to its parent. But imagine, growing old and having no expectations of a child, and then one day, u r blessed with one.. In such a situation, you would love it and value it even more..

It is God's way to test man in different ways.. One example is the test of the Sabbath day.God declared to the Jews that no work should be done on Sabbath day of the week, and that the people should spend the day in prayers, remembering Him.. The people there lived near the sea and were fishermen. God tested them by reducing the catch on the weekdays, and on Sabbath day, he made the sea waves glisten with the scales of the fish.. such was the abundance of fish on the seas in that day.. This phenomenon repeated several times.. Thus, a section of the community were tempted by this and built some construction to trap the fish coming in with the waves on the Sabbath day.. and thus disobeyed God, and they were duly punished (This part is narrated in the Chapter 2 of Quran).. It has always been God's way to test man, and prove as to who is faithful and who isnt.. And it has also been God's way to test the more faithful of His subjects with stronger and severe tests to prove the extent of the faith of His believers..

Ibrahim(pbuh) was a strong devoted man.. hence, his tests were also strong.. In a dream, God commanded him to sacrifice his dear son Ismael.(This was the dream coming to a Prophet and not an ordinary man). Accordingly, he tells his believer wife about this, and takes his son along and tells him on the way, about the sacrifice. Quran tells how the son responded, in patience and in faith.. he said that God's will should be done and that he will patiently endure this and asked his father to proceed. Ibrahim(pbuh) ties his son down and sacrifices him.. And then, God returns the boy to him intact, and tells him to sacrifice a lamb instead.. God tells in Quran, that it is neither the blood nor the flesh of the lamb that reaches God.. but the heart-felt willingness to sacrifice and obey God at all costs.. This event is the history of 3 believers.. father, mother and son.. all three of whom, willed to obey God even at personal loss.. Even during a difficult time, they remained united and subservient to God.

Sacrificing self-interest for the sake of God needs 2 pre-requisites..
1. Complete faith in God.. This means, not just a belief that God exists... It means belief in His qualities.. I know I cannot sacrifice for a God who is whimsical, who exploits His creations.. or who tortures man for His entertainment. But I know that God isnt whimsical..,He never exploits man, or delights in the suffering of man. When He demands from us, a difficult decision, He does so for good and good only. He is Merciful and Considerate. Even then, if He tests me, it is to increase my strength.., it is to make me know my own strengths better, and to know Him better.. I know God has good reasons to test me, or to exact from me a difficult task. I believe Him eyes closed.. and I know, that this would only make me a better individual.
2. Willingness to do good.. to obey. Submission. It is not enough to believe in God.. There must also be a willingness to be led by Him. To do that which is right by Him.. to abstain from wrong.. It is not my convenience or conventions that should dictate to me my rights and wrongs.. Because, very often, there is only a thin line that separates right and wrong and my judgments may not always be right.. But God, is never wrong. Emotions change.., today I feel one thing.. tomorrow another. Hence, I cannot depend on my emotions to guide me always. Worldly morals fluctuate heavily.. Yesterday homo-sexuality was'nt allowed, today it is.. Today child pornography isnt officially allowed.. Who knows how much more accomodating worldly morals will be tomorrow? No, I cannot be guided by worldly morals..because worldly morals are dictated by the convenience of the masses.. And as right is difficult, and wrong easy and as the masses usually traverse the easy path.., more often than not, worldly morals are weak. I choose to be led by God. He never varies.. His right and wrong are fixed, and always dependable. If an average man chooses to do right, and abstain from wrong at all costs, the world would have been so much more of a better place.

One simple example of such a sacrifice is the idea of charity and distribution of wealth among the masses.. On one side, we have rich countries whose people discard tonnes of processed and otherwise food stuff down the trash.. and on the other side, we have larger nations surviving on scraps..

The message of sacrifice, where we learn to think beyond our own existence, combined with the message of fraternity and equality (the ability to see our equal in an impoverished and a deprived human being) is the solution for humanity. This is the message of Eid-Al-Adha.